Saturday

Happy weekend, everyone!

I’ve been sick for what feels like forever now! SO stuffy – I always feel like my head is going to explode. Hopefully I feel better soon! I always get sick this time of the year, this year it happened a little earlier than it normally does. Usually I’m sick for my birthday, which is mid February. Maybe because I’m sick now, I won’t be sick for my birthday? Yeah… I won’t get my hopes up. Although, I will be honest – I’m not really big fan of my birthday anymore. It’s really just another day to me, not to sound like a Scrooge or anything. I just don’t really care about it anymore. I partied hard in the past for my birthday, but now I just don’t make anything of it. I’d be okay with doing absolutely nothing.

Enough of that.

So I’ve been trying to track my calories – which is… rather challenging for me. The tracking part isn’t hard, it’s the only allowing so many calories per day that’s hard. I use this app called “Lose It”, it’s great app. When you first download it, you set a goal weight and whether you want to reach the goal slow or fast. My goal is to lose 20 lbs, and at the rate I want to go, it’s saying I’ll reach my goal by the beginning of March, so I guess we’ll see how that goes. I’ve gone over my calorie intake quite a few times so far, whoops. Hopefully in time, I’ll gain more self control. Either way, I’m glad I’m setting goals for myself.

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Mental Health Day

Decided to take a mental health day today, as well as an actual health day – it kinda feels like I’m getting strep. Hopefully that’s not the case. I’ve been trying to get some drawing or some reading in everyday. I just started reading Bird Box. I really wish I knew there was a book before I watched the movie. I didn’t even know any of it existed. So far, the book is very different than the movie – in a good way. I can’t wait to finish reading it!

It was nice to just do nothing today. I did go food shopping and clean though, I always feel better after having a clean room. There’s an area in the room that was just cluttered with shoes and sweatshirts, so I decided to organize that. Other than that, honestly, I’ve just been playing video games and watching Hulu. Doesn’t get much better than that.

I’ve been a bit more anxious than usual lately, I hate this feeling. And the worst part is, I can’t explain this feeling. It just feels like a giant tight knot right smack dab in the middle of my chest and it won’t go away. I’ve been finding myself being so worrisome about nothing – I can’t seem to live in the present, I’m constantly focusing on what is going to happen next. I’m never content, I’m always anxious. Such a terrible feeling. I have everything in the world to be happy about, too. But obviously, as anyone with anxiety knows, it’s something we can’t always control. We could have everything in the world and still be unhappy for absolutely no reason. It’s just the way it is. I’ve been thinking about trying to get back on medication, but I just don’t know if I should. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try. Anyone feel free to share stories of their experience with anti-depressants or anxiety medications. 

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Drew this on Saturday, it’s not my own design. I saw it on Instagram and decided to try to do it myself. Still finding ways to practice drawing on my iPad. Lots of tricks to learn!  Feel free to share any tips you have as far as Adobe Illustrator goes. Thanks in advance!

It’s been a while.

Happy 2019!

I decided to buy a keyboard for my iPad so I could try to get back into blogging, let’s see how this goes – no promises!

Honestly don’t even recall writing any of those old posts. Also, I haven’t worked in that hospital in years now. That hospital caused nothing but problems in my life, it was toxic. I’m very happy to not be there anymore. I won’t go into details about why I don’t work there anymore, but with that being said, I guess I should find something else to talk about in future posts! As much as I hated working at that hospital, it came with great stories to tell. Just to be clear, I loved working with the patients and the job itself had nothing to do with why I left – I left because I became too involved with the staff, some of the people there ruined my life. I haven’t talked to any of them since and I plan to keep it that way.

Enough about that!

What’s everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions?

I tried to be Pam Beasley at work (please tell me you’ve binged The Office) and have all my co-workers write down their resolutions and I was going to hang them up. Most of my co-workers wrote theirs down, but I completely forgot to hang them!

My New Year’s Resolution(s) are to be positive, stop stressing, and love myself. I haven’t exactly been known to be a positive person, so here’s to fixing that! I’ve already started changing some things – even the smallest changes go a long way! By choosing to make time for the things that I love doing, it’s helping me stress less and be happier! I’ve started drawing again, and by starting up this blog again, at least I’m heading down the right path towards happiness. Always try to make time for your hobbies, big or small! Even if it’s setting aside 15 minutes a day to do something you love. I’ve been trying to set aside time each day to draw or do yoga. It also gives you something to look forward to throughout the day! The toughest part about resolutions is keeping them. It’s nice to have someone by your side supporting you and wanting you to better yourself, it helps to keep you motivated.

With that being said, I’m keeping this one short – wishing everyone a happy and healthy year. Let’s kick 2019’s ass!

Snow Day.

Not really a snow day today, but there is quite a bit of snow on the ground and it sounds like it’s gonna keep coming the next couple of days. I smell a good excuse not to go to work tomorrow? 🙂

Last night I wasn’t feeling so great, I ended up vomiting a couple times and it was impossible for me to go to sleep due to how much pain I was in. Waking up this morning at 5 to go to work definitely kicked my ass. I ended up only making it until 10 am until one of the nurses sent me home because if “I’m actively vomiting, I’m not allowed to be at work”. And for once, I was totally ok with this. Working Sunday through Thursday is definitely a change of pace, all my other jobs I never even had a set schedule, but I never worked Sundays. So with that being said, it was nice to be home on a Sunday morning for a change.

Sundays are for the best types of food, Sundays are for music, Sundays are for church, Sundays are for football! Sundays are for peace, Sundays are for newspapers, Sundays are for family.

To me, Sundays are for taking your dog for a walk or going on a bike ride with our family. Sundays are the days of the week where you don’t need to go out and celebrate. Trust me, hanging in one day a week won’t ruin your life but maybe even help you appreciate it.

To me, Sundays are the days I allow my skin to breathe (a day of no make up), it’s the day I sit back and enjoy a good book or watch an entire series on Netflix.

Needless to say, I think Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Just something about it is so peaceful to me.

Hopefully I can get some more sleep and shake this nasty feeling I’ve had since last night. There’s definitely some kind of bug going around the hospital because I wasn’t the only one who got sent home sick today.

Happy Sunday everyone!

 

I should be following my heart and my needs but I know it’s a probelm for me to translate words into deeds

Imagine being completely convinced that someone is following you. Imagine believing that your friends and family are trying to poison you. Imagine thinking your boss is out to get you. These thoughts may sound ridiculous but they help to illustrate what it means to be “delusional”. Your family wants nothing to do with you because you’re too much of a burden to them. You’re taken to the hospital and have no recollection of the past three days. You think it’s 1764 and you’re hopeless. “Why won’t anyone help me?” you think to yourself. All you need is a new sense of direction and no one will even give you the time of day.

Although it can be irritating, emotional reactions should be avoided. Arguing with a delusion on leads to further mistrust and anger.

“You’re a bitch”, is what I hear coming from a patient standing at the nurses station, taunting his peer. Christopher, one of our younger and more psychotic patients (no offense), was fully convinced that one of the other patients took a shit in his bathroom. The other patient (don’t even get me started about him), unfortunately, had no idea how to deal with this kid.  Keeping his composure, he says “stop calling me that” and Christopher didn’t stop. He’s yelling at him telling him he didn’t take a shit in his bathroom (which is now pretty hilarious at this point) but what he doesn’t understand is that he’s not winning this fight. Christopher thought what he thought and nothing was convincing him otherwise. When the staff is telling him that he’s sorry for using your bathroom and it’ll never happen again, it doesn’t really have much affect when the accused is still in the background calling him this, that and the other thing, “I didn’t take a shit in your bathroom you fucking weirdo!”

That whole situation was pretty hilarious though, I must admit, considering what they were fighting about.

I wouldn’t know any better either, up until I started this job of course. I took plenty of psych classes in high school/college but what they don’t teach you is how to actually deal with a schizophrenic person, someone with undiagnosed bipolar, someone with borderline personality disorder. There’s so much to learn but being face to face with mental illness is the ultimate test.

To this day, I never would have thought I would actually be helping people. Sure, I may not be able to actually help any of them, it’s not like little old me will make their lives any better. But some of our patients tell me that they’ll never forget me after they leave the hospital, that me working there made each day a little bit easier to get through. It’s words like that that make me never want to do anything else with my life. I think I’m meant to help people, and it’s my favorite thing to do. Taking the time to help people without expecting a reward or gratitude is definitely important in living an optimistic life.

 

 

We got older, but we’re still young. We won’t grow out of this feeling that we won’t give up

The title of my entry will most likely be a line from whatever song I’m listening to. I can’t seem to write unless I have my headphones on, having no sense of what’s going on around me seems to keep me calm and focused.

I’ve never exactly been able to explain my job to anyone I know, some of the crazy shit I see day after day. All the times I come home stressed, I want to get all of it off my chest. But the thing is, everyone has a different job and unless we have the same job, we don’t know what that person goes through everyday. We don’t know what they have to deal with, or how stressful their job is.

Most of the patients that get admitted are there for psychological reasons and the other ones are there to detox (usually from heroin or alcohol). There is a constant tug-of-war that goes on in the addiction world. Part of the problem is that addiction is not easily categorized. It has biological, psychological, social, behavioral and even spiritual implications caused by people feeling deficient in one area or another. Personally, I have never gone through any kind of withdrawal, so when I have a patient that is detoxing it is very difficult for me to relate to them. I try to understand the pain they’re going through, but it’s just not the same and we just have to let them go through it.

I had this patient, we’ll call him John (for HIPPA purposes), I will never ever forget this kid. I don’t think I was working the day he got admitted, but the day I met him, he seemed like a nice guy who was just depressed and detoxing, feeling hopeless. As his stay grew longer, he became worse. Actually, now that I’m typing this, I don’t even remember if he was detoxing from anything, so that kind of defeats the purpose of telling this story but I’ll continue anyways. He became vulgar and inconsiderate of his surroundings, including the staff. In this hospital, we do safety checks, considering on the patients safety, they are placed on either 5 or 15 minutes safety checks. Part of my role as an MHS is to carry a clipboard with safety check sheets, going into the patients rooms to check on them during these times. John was on 5 minute checks, due to a history of multiple suicide attempts. I walked into his room and he was lying on the bed with his hand on his chest. I asked “are you okay?” he nodded his head yes and something seemed off. I asked him “what’s on your chest?” he replied, “my hand”. I started to walk out of his room but something told me to stop and check on him again because I just wasn’t convinced that he was okay by the way he sounded. I went back to his bed and asked him to remove his hand from his chest and he refused. I got close enough to see that he had ripped off a piece of his t-shirt and had it tied around his neck. The closer I got, the tighter he pulled the t-shirt. The look he had in his eyes, I’ll never forget; I’ve never seen someone so determined to take their own life. We always carry walkie talkies on our person, in case things like this happen, and this time I didn’t have one with me. I’m standing next to his bed trying to get my fingers in between the t-shirt and his neck, I couldn’t believe this was happening. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs for help, I run out of his room and finally get another MHS to help me. One of the nurses ran in with a pair of scissors and I was able to cut the t-shirt off his neck. He was blue. He started searching for anything else he could use. The nurses and the doctor kept saying “you don’t want to do this, you don’t want to end your life”. In a split second, he whipped out of his bed and started throwing things in his room and punching walls. He started to attack the staff. I’m still in shock from what had just happened, I’m standing outside his room watching all of this happen and it just felt like an outer body experience. I felt like I wasn’t even there, I could see what was happening but I couldn’t bring myself to move.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget about this incident, or the way he looked at me.

Please: if you’re reading this and if you are at all thinking about hurting yourself or having any kind of suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It’s 24/7, free and confidential. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

You need to hear that people do get through this – even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope. People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

“If you’ve ever doubted yourself, walk deep into any forest. Notice how the trees still stand even thought they are given no recognition. Walk along any stream. The water still flows, though no one stops to praise it. Watch the stars late at night; they shine without acknowledgment. Humans are just the same. We are made out of the same elements as these beautiful wonders. Always remember your beauty and self worth.”